Archive | January, 2018

How Long Is Forever?

1 Jan

Christmas cards are a nice tradition I think. I always enjoy sending them and receiving them. I especially like writing and receiving personal letters, enclosed within the cards. In this age of instant, cursory communication — texts, tweets, whatsapps and emails— it is a privilege to be able to read a proper letter which shows that the other person has been thinking of you and has taken the trouble to keep your mutual connection going. I hope he/she feels the same when they get my letter. Even a hastily written card, scribbled in the midst of a busy life, has the powerful, subliminal message: ” I care for you.” I’m not including the dreaded “round-robin” letters in this by the way. They seem to me to be all about showing off, trying to impress. However, a genuine Christmas card and/or letter is a joy to receive at this special time of the year. They are one of the things that make the festive season so special.

So how does it feel to realize that you have been crossed off someone’s Christmas card list? That person, once a friend, family member or ¬†formerly close colleague has now decided that you are not worth keeping in touch with anymore. It’s a decision that has been made without discussion and announced without warning. It can come as a bit of a shock. It’s maybe that you are now separated geographically and can no longer develop the relationship through regular contact any more. It may be that retirement has cut-off the regular work connection that once bound you together. It may be because of a broken relationship and the failure to make that transition into being “just good friends.” I am quite happy with my life and am always willing to “move on” when a relationship has obviously run its course. It’s just the arbitrary, sudden termination of a long term connection that still leaves me feeling slightly shocked and numb.

 

Being dropped off the bottom of someone’s Christmas card list is like falling into oblivion. Presumably, as far as they are concerned, you are no longer worth thinking about. In their eyes, you no longer exist. I know this sounds melodramatic, but, in one way, this is a kind of death. The shock is increased when the silent but brutal coup- de- grace is delivered by someone who once said they loved you. Films, novels and songs like to imply that once we fall in love with the “special one” it will be forever. Once two people have met and fallen in love, they will live happily ever after. But that’s the danger of romantic fiction. In real life, “Love” does not always last forever. In my experience, it either changes and deepens, or after an intoxicating and intense spell of passion, it gradually fizzles out like a firework.

I have been lucky enough to fall in love several times in my life. I don’t believe that there is only one “Special One”. At different stages in my life I have had intense, loving relationships with several women. They loved me in return (or so they led me to believe), and even now, after many happy years in my second marriage, some of their words still echo vividly in my memory. Once I was told by a lover that she was in such a blissful state, that she could happily die in my arms. I felt as if I was in my own personal heaven and I remember distinctly going into a kind of swoon. Another person at another time declared that she “would always love me” and there would “always be a place for me in her heart.” This too was heady stuff. Passions were obviously overflowing. ¬†The normal, precautionary safeguards that we put up to avoid being hurt, had been temporarily swept aside. At the time I believed these words. But then the relationships changed. They faded out and died. In the next stages of our lives, such words and emotions were potentially embarrassing and a serious impediment to “moving on”. I have always found it difficult to let go. Even if a relationship/friendship has clearly run its course, I am still hurt when it finally ends. This is as equally true when I am responsible for the break up as when its done to me.

Thus I cling on, and where possible, try to turn a relationship into a friendship. Thus I send Christmas cards and receive them in return. It’s trying to prove to myself that that period in my life was not a total waste of time. I don’t like waste. Even if something has gone up in flames, I still try to salvage something from the ashes. But now that I’ve been thrown off the Christmas card list, it means I have been consigned to the void. Once, that person loved me and would love me “forever”. Now she doesn’t know whether I’m alive or dead and presumably, does not care. Although I am happily married and live a fruitful and fulfilling life, this abrupt severing of a long term connection, is still hard to bear.

So how long is “forever”? We use such words when gripped by intense emotions, but, in real-life as opposed to fiction, they only apply for a relatively short period of time. Falling in love romantically and sexually, is very exciting but cannot be sustained in its intense form for more than a few months or, at the most, a couple of years. Then reality starts to bite. The loved one turns out to be not “perfect” afterall. You start to see their faults. Why do they always leave the top off the toothpaste? He/she stops being an object of worship and just becomes another, ordinary human being. This is when the rose-coloured glasses drop off. To survive, the relationship has to change. It has to feed off other things other than sexual chemistry. Love has to deepen or it will fade away.

In the case I am thinking about this Christmas, “forever” has turned out to be about 22 years, and at least 15 of them have been in the distant, polite Christmas note stage. It’s still a little wrench though. I know I will happily get on with my life but , in a small way, the lack of a card has yet again shaken my faith in human nature. I know the omission was deliberate and was not just a simple error, because this is the second year running it has happened. How can I believe anything that anyone says to me? It is quite disconcerting. How do I know that they might change their minds in the future and walk away from me? Luckily I have strong family ties and some good, long- term friends. Real friends are the ones who stick by you through thick and thin. They are not necessarily the same people who reserve a place for you in their heart or say that they will love you “forever.”

I know it sounds silly but I still don’t like being cast into oblivion. I cannot imagine anybody admitting that they enjoy not existing. Maybe I will occasionally hang around in this person’s memory even though I am no longer worth the price of a stamp. I know I sound bitter and am being totally unrealistic. But, despite all my sensible rationalisations, it is still difficult to accept that a person who once loved me has now consigned me to the bin.

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